hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
