I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
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