dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Randomize
