There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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