he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
