At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
Randomize
