i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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