I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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