Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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