I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
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