I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
drinking out of a sandbucket again
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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