Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Houston, we have a squirter
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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