Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Randomize
