she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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