Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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