yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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