u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
