I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
