I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
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