I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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