i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
i think i have two assholes
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
