there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
