wanna go halves on a baby?
he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
