He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
