Got a toothbrush?
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
