Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
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