I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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