I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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