I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
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