He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Randomize
