you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
