my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
