woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
