First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Randomize
