once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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