You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Randomize
