If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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