how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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