He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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