oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
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