she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Randomize
