An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
we're making bets on your personal life
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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