Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Randomize
