I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize
