shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
