I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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