Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
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