you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Randomize
