OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Randomize
