last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
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