Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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