I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
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