I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
