3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
