My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Randomize
