I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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