Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Randomize
