I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
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If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
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So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
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