I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
