He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
